Talking to Girls About Duran Duran by Rob Sheffield

Okay, before we get too far into this, everyone should know that this book doesn’t come out for a whole week.

This is very exciting for me.

Not only did I hold the book in my hands before the unwashed, unshaven, apparently wholly uneducated about hygiene masses, but the version I held was special. And not just because it was an uncorrected proof. Not just because Steve Perry was named Steve Terry at one point, something that confused the shit out of me for a second. This is all very new to me, so instead of thinking right away that there was a one-letter typo, my world started swirling with the possibilities of an entirely new band led by Steve Terry, a man who sounded by all description like Steve Perry, patron saint of sincerity in the face of ridiculousness, but was in fact an entirely different man.

Let’s leave it there because the details of how long this was in my brain and how badly I wanted it to be true are goddamn embarrassing.

No, this was not just special because of the ghost of Steve Terry. It was special because this is the official launching of my career as a book critic.

Here is my basic career outline:
1. Get books before they come out.
2. Review them. Post on helpfulsnowman.com.
3. This is wildly popular somehow.
4. Actually get paid to review books.
5. Start career as sincere, earnest critic with insightful things to say.
6. Almost immediately slide into the world of writing cover quotes that are about half a sentence. “The writer has defied science and written a book as electrifying as it is grounding.” “More mesmerizing than a swinging pocket watch right in front of my goddamn face that time I was in Vegas and somehow ended up at a magic show.” “Not since I got a lighter with a woman on it where you rub her bikini and it disappears have I been this invested in the resolution of a mystery.”
7. Get job at the New York Something.
8. Attempt to discourage young, Bambi-eyed kid reviewer from getting in over his head, actually reading all these books he reviews.
9. Bury corpse of Bambi-eyed kid reviewer somewhere near the waterfront.
So without further ado, let’s get this career a-launching!

Most of you probably know Rob Sheffield as a contributing editor to Rolling Stone. Or you might have seen him on one of those shows where people ranging from cultural critics (such as Sheffield) to Vern Troyer (alcoholic Golem on a mobility scooter) talk about things of great consequence, such as whether Michael Jackson could actually destroy a car with all his might.

Those of you who are very lucky might have read his previous book, Love is a Mix Tape. If you haven’t, get off your ass.
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The important thing to know is that the guy does an awful lot of writing, so it’s not a brand new game for him. This isn’t some silly biography that starts off with the thrilling tale of who his great-grandfather is and why we should give a good goddamn. This is a silly biography that takes us through the songs that define the 1980′s for Rob, which turns out to be a good storytelling tool. Everyone has a couple songs that don’t really mean what they’re supposed to mean. Maybe Ben Folds had a hell of a lot going through his brain, but “Rockin’ the Suburbs” might as well be called “Summer, 1999″ as far as I’m concerned.

Sheffield takes you through his songs, his times, and the music is the driving force some of the time and takes the passenger seat at others.

A great way to see if you’ll like this book is to read the section named for Prince’s “Purple Rain.” It chronicles Rob’s summer as the ice cream man, a summer filled with teenage freedom and forever solidifies the impossibility of selling Bomb Pops. This is one of the strongest sections. Good, clear writing, humor, and just enough relatibility to keep things fun.

Something that makes Sheffield’s writing about music really work is that he’s not trying to convince you to like or dislike anything. This isn’t like talking to your buddy who will spend an hour trying to convince you that Ride the Lightning is the best Metallica album when it creeps up to maybe fifth on your list. This isn’t like talking to some goofball who tries to convince you that Beyonce is important somehow. This is a guy who likes what he likes, makes no apologies for it, and tells you what he likes about it. Much like the claim he makes about Duran Duran having mostly female fans and not really giving a damn, Sheffield will have people who disagree with him, but he’ll go right along doing his thing.

The weaker points come in when reading about songs you’ve never really hear of or don’t give two shits about. As the wave of 80′s nostalgia passes over us, you probably wouldn’t be surprised to read a little something about Flock of Seagulls, David Bowie, and Hall & Oates. But Paul McCartney, L’Trimm, and the group Haysie Fantayzee (which I’m not entirely convinced wasn’t a joke because the story was so perfectly 80′s pop) round out a number of groups. It’s really a nostalgic trip through the 80′s, but moreso if you actually lived through them. Not a lot of time is spent catching you up, and folks born after 1985 will be left behind children.

To be honest, it was a little bit like a driving through a foreign country. It went fast, I enjoyed it, but at times I was so busy trying to figure out where I was that I didn’t really get to enjoy the sights. To help you out I’ve included a track list of the main songs mentioned in the book, so if you want to spend a couple bucks or know someone with a decent library of80′s music you can really get a leg up on this one.

Talking to Girls About Duran Duran by Rob Sheffield. Check it out July 15th. Or, you know, after that.

Songs from the Book:

The Go-Go’s, “Our Lips Are Sealed”
David Bowie, “Ashes to Ashes”
Ray Parker Jr., “A Woman Needs Love”
The Rolling Stones, “She’s So Cold”
The Human League, “Love Action”
O.M.D., “Enola Gay”
Culture Club, “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya”
Hall & Oates, “Maneater”
Roxy Music, “More Than This”
Bonnie Taylor, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Haysi Fantayzee, “Shiny Shiny”
A Flock of Seagulls, “Space Age Love Song”
Chaka Khan, “I Feel For You”
Prince, “Purple Rain”
Paul McCartney, “No More Lonely Nights”
Madonna, “Crazy For You”
The Replacements, “Left Of The Dial”
The Smiths, “Ask”
The Psychedelic Furs, “Pretty In Pink”
Lita Ford, “Kiss Me Deadly”
Tone Loc, “Funky Cold Medina”
New Kids On The Block, “Hangin’ Tough”
Big Daddy Kane, “Ain’t No Half Steppin’”
L’Trimm, “Cars With Boom”
Duran Duran, “All She Wants Is”