Veins by Drew (Pete's first ebook)

This is a dual review, Veins by Drew, which I read on the iPad and is the first eBook I read on an eReader from start to finish.

Let's start with the book.

Drew is the hilariousness behind the web site Toothpaste For Dinner, a site that's been entertaining millions of my brain cells for years. In particular, check out this one. Or this one. Or, if those don't tickle your fancy, try fucking yourself.

Drew wrote a book, and here is that book.




It's written in a sort of diary format, following the main character from high school and beyond, if ripping off Goodwill donations is considered "beyond."

The book is infused with the kind of humor we've come to expect from Drew. A couple of my favorite quotes:

On working at the zoo:

I would go around to the cages and pull out pretzel bags and other food that people threw. Animals don't see advertising, so they don't want to eat junk food. That's why they eat celery and apples.

On origami:

Free paper is easy. You go to the library and get books (free) and when you get them home, you pull out all the blank pages in the front and the back. It saves everyone else from flipping so much to get past them, and you can use the paper for lists, or letters, or signs. Some people might say to make origami, but that's a waste of paper. Everyone knows what a bird looks like, they don't need you to fold one.

On guinea pigs:

Most animals are named what they are. A cat is just a cat. A penguin is just a penguin. You can't get mad at a penguin the same way as a guinea pig. The name doesn't make you think they're going to do fetch. Call it an Ice Dog and it's different.

And, best of all, a new slogan for ice cream:

It's cold, it's dessert. We call it Ice Cream.

I think this book has lower ratings than it deserves, and I think it's because the story takes a handful of dark turns. But the turns it takes are for the sake of humor, and I sure as hell didn't find them to kill the mood or anything like that.

There could be some criticism that the story or the structure sometimes suffers in favor of a joke here and there. I wouldn't disagree with that, but the jokes are funny enough that it's justified, and frankly an out-loud laugh is rarer in reading than a story that is sensible and well paced. Who the fuck reads a book and says, "I loved it. It was very sensible."

Hell, it's a quick read, and it's five bucks. Do it, and if you hate it, read the hours of free shit on the web site and consider the five bucks payment for all of that instead.

End of Veins review.

Begin iPad reading experience.

It's screen reading. It's nicer than I thought it would be, honestly, but it's still a screen. That part I wasn't so hot on.

The interface is pretty easy to use, although I could not count the number of times I turned a page accidentally on the fingers I used to perform said action. It's a little sensitive for my liking, and it's fairly rare that I accidentally turn back a page in an analog book when I meant to turn forward. I'm not the most coordinated person, but usually I don't fuck up a motion and do the exact opposite on accident.

The only thing that made it better than reading the physical book was the fact that I got it in moments using the Kindle App. That part was nice. And it was only 5 bucks instead of 10.

But...because this was a short book, and because it wasn't the type of book you're going to find in a bookstore or library (unless you are a patron of a really great fantasy library where they give you candy and all the librarians are sexy because of their bodies AND brains, but probably more from the bodies) it made good sense to read it electronically. Reading a longer book, however, would kind of suck. And if it were a book where I could wait a day and get the physical copy in my hands, I'd do that. Plus, I would have then sent this book to my brother, and now I can't. I mean, I sort of can, but he'd have to put Kindle on his computer and then read it on his computer. That's sort of like buying someone a candle designed so that the wick is three inches into the wax and you have to dig it out first. Shitty, is what I'm saying.

So:

iPad Good: Reading short books that are priced at 50% cheaper or more online and that are not readily available in your area.

iPad Bad: Everything else, aka Most Literature.

Annual-ish Chuck Palahniuk Chat

Chuck Palahniuk's newest, Damned, just came out...in advanced reader version! The rest of you sucka-fools will have to wait until October. So enjoy being a sucka-fool, which sucks because sucka-fools, as you may have already heard, don't know S about F.

Anyway, me and Chucky P have a long and storied history. I think he might be the only author whose entire oeuvre of full-length books I've read. What about Harper Lee, one-book wonder author of To Kill a Mockingbird?Well, I haven't read that, but I gather it's for sucka-fools (see above re: S about F). Needless to say, Mr. Palklhfddjjdhf*$* and I have a long and storied relationship.

Damned is better than his last couple, Tell-All and Pygmy. For me at least. And at the same time, it's worse.

Damned follows a little girl, Madison, the only biological daughter of a couple that resembles Brangelina in every sense but the bearded ones, on her post-mortem adventures in hell. It's being sold as a Judy Blume style of book, except that the main character is in hell and there is a touch of oral sex.

The hell portions were like bizarro-lite, similar to such wonderful works as Satan Burger and The Menstruating Mall by Carlton Mellick III (who also wrote a faux-children's book called The Faggiest Vampire, a title that always makes me giggle. C'mon. I know we're not supposed to use that word anymore, but it's so rarely ended in the superlative form that it's hard not to snicker). I don't know if being bizarro-lite is a compliment or not. Bizarro lit is interesting in its own right, and maybe those who are not attracted to it in general would enjoy just a taste. But to me, I don't know how interesting a lite version of it is. Would anyone enjoy terribly watching Human Centipede with most of the unpleasantness cut out? Is there a life lesson within the story of faces being surgery-ed to asses that I may be missing? I will guess that perhaps there is, but that Human Centipede: Censor's Cut may not be the best way to absorb them.

The parts of Damned I most enjoyed were the parts that felt the most like vintage Palahniuk to me, the sections that were less about hell and more about the disconnect between different kinds of people, in this case the living and the dead. At the same time, these were the parts I hated because they made me feel like I was missing out on something really great. They reminded me of the author I really loved and how his work isn't quite scratching the same itch for me. It's like having a favorite song, but being doomed to forever only being able to hear the live version, which is a little jammy and of lower sound quality. It's good, but it's almost worse because it reminds you of something you'll never have again.

Keanu Reeves, Whoa-de to Happinesss

Yes, it happened.

Keanu Reeves, poet laureate of Absolutely Fuckall has published a book of poems. Now, this is supposedly in response to the Sad Keanu meme that was all over the internet for a while. I have to admit that I find internet memes like a really great pop song: It is so goddamn fun at the time that it's only afterward that you have to overcompensate by pretending to hate the Bedroom Intruder guy and that you don't know that his name is Antoine Dodson. So, I enjoyed Sad Keanu.

It's fair enough that he's having fun with it too, but what's not fair is that the fun is listed for retail at $55. And it's 40 pages long. That's more than a buck per page for a joke that is less funny than any of the Bill and Ted movies, including the original, the Bogus Journey, and Bram Stoker's Dracula.

But what about a couple other celebrity poets?

"'Lies' by Suzanne Somers:

"I have lied to you/A thousand times/Reshaped the truth/To keep you close ...

"Last night I lied to you/In silence/With my hands, my mouth, my caress

"The worst lie of all ...

"Because before/I only lied with words."

Hmm...definitely a bit overdramatic, wouldn't you say?
If I were instructing Somers, I would say to calm down a little and give me specific details. Also, a poem doesn't have to have a complete M. Knight at the end. People can feel when you're really going for the quick turnaround. You can do it, but you have to earn it in the text first.

An excerpt from “Teacher” by Charlie Sheen:

…Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand,
You tell me it’s like the back of my hand.
Should I play guitar and join the band?
Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?
Oh, teacher, teacher, I don’t understand…
… Teacher, teacher, the years have passed,
I never thought it would go so fast,
The things I learned they didn’t last.
I’m headin’ to sea as I raise the mast.
Oh, teacher, teacher, I’m a peace of your past.

Wow. That last line there, with the peace/piece thing? Wow.

...eeeeexcept for the fact that it's not really clever at all. The double-meaning goes completely to waste when there isn't one. You can be a "piece" of someone's past, but not a "peace" of it. That doesn't even make sense. It would be like saying to someone, "You were a real excitability of mine in sixth grade." That's not even a thing.

Also, rhyming "passed" with "past" is pretty much cheating as well.

If I were Charlie Sheen's poetry instructor, I think I would tell him to ask himself whether his rhyme scheme was enhancing his poetry or tying him up. Because one minute we're in class, then we're out at sea or something...I just get the sense that this poem is ready to cover an awful lot of physical distance to make a rhyme happen. And just like it is in love, long-distance relationships weaken rhymes as well.

Jewel:

Upon Moving Into My Van

Joy, Pure Joy, I am
What I always wanted
to grow up and be
Things are becoming
more of a dream with
each waking day
The heavy brows of Daily Life
are becoming encrusted
with glitter and the shaking finger
of consequence is
beginning to giggle
Grumpy old men
have wings
Burns sport Halos
and everyday dullness
has begun to breathe
as I remember the
incredible lightness
of living

It looks like the answer, folks, is moving into a van. If only she had stayed there.
At least she's a (sort of a) songwriter, so she has some idea about words and what they do. But I'm not sure whether brows being encrusted with glitter is a good thing or not. And how a shaking finger giggles is not really clear either. And what a Matthau/Lemon flick has to do with all this is a complete boggle as far as I'm concerned.
As her instructor? I think all I could say is, Who are you trying to convince, Jewel?