Gift Guide

A lot of book people tend to get books for Christmas. I don't because, as my grandmother put it, "You work at a library. I'm not buying you books." Which sort of makes sense, but if I was a DJ at a strip club I think I'd be okay with friends buying me lap dances for Christmas.

Before buying a book for a book nerd, understand that you are treading on dangerous territory. Most book nerds buy the books they want, so there's a very slim margin of shit that a book nerd wants but does not already own. If it was a pie chart, the pie slice of good buys would be slimmer than my wang.

That said, here are some gift recommendations I can make with links to purchasing them online.

For the Person Who Has a Good Sense of Humor:

It's funny, it's quick, and it's barely reading. All the qualities required of a hilarious book. Plus, this may also serve as a good gift for a child as it will horrify the child and also help you confirm your suspicions that the parents are not actually reading to him.

For the Tech Nerd:

This book, while providing documentation of practical jokes perpetrated via internet (such as the famous attempt to pay bills with a drawing of a spider) also helps remind readers that this whole internet thing is kind of nonsense.

For the Simpsons Enthusiast:

John Swartzwelder, who probably had as much to do with the best (Approx. seasons 3-8) humor the Simpsons had to offer as anyone, has also written several novels about detective Frank Burly. “As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach.”

For the Traveler

Trust me, planning a Portland vacation around the advice in this guide will give you a trip to remember. However, do note that the mausoleum is no longer open to the public. Use findagrave.com to locate a relative and prep a story about your love for geneaology.

For the Person with Childlike Wonder

NOT A CHILD, by the way. Childlike Wonder is awesome in adults and really annoying in children.

For the Writer

Simple, quick, and it actually looks quite handsome on the shelf, which is where most of your books will spend most of their lives. It's a fast enough read that you can get back to goddamn writing already.

For the Child (if you must)

Lots of monster drawings that need finishing touches. And who can resist instruction such as "Draw an EPIC puke!"