Keanu Reeves, Whoa-de to Happinesss

Yes, it happened.

Keanu Reeves, poet laureate of Absolutely Fuckall has published a book of poems. Now, this is supposedly in response to the Sad Keanu meme that was all over the internet for a while. I have to admit that I find internet memes like a really great pop song: It is so goddamn fun at the time that it's only afterward that you have to overcompensate by pretending to hate the Bedroom Intruder guy and that you don't know that his name is Antoine Dodson. So, I enjoyed Sad Keanu.

It's fair enough that he's having fun with it too, but what's not fair is that the fun is listed for retail at $55. And it's 40 pages long. That's more than a buck per page for a joke that is less funny than any of the Bill and Ted movies, including the original, the Bogus Journey, and Bram Stoker's Dracula.

But what about a couple other celebrity poets?

"'Lies' by Suzanne Somers:

"I have lied to you/A thousand times/Reshaped the truth/To keep you close ...

"Last night I lied to you/In silence/With my hands, my mouth, my caress

"The worst lie of all ...

"Because before/I only lied with words."

Hmm...definitely a bit overdramatic, wouldn't you say?
If I were instructing Somers, I would say to calm down a little and give me specific details. Also, a poem doesn't have to have a complete M. Knight at the end. People can feel when you're really going for the quick turnaround. You can do it, but you have to earn it in the text first.

An excerpt from “Teacher” by Charlie Sheen:

…Teacher, teacher, I don’t understand,
You tell me it’s like the back of my hand.
Should I play guitar and join the band?
Or head to the beach and walk in the sand?
Oh, teacher, teacher, I don’t understand…
… Teacher, teacher, the years have passed,
I never thought it would go so fast,
The things I learned they didn’t last.
I’m headin’ to sea as I raise the mast.
Oh, teacher, teacher, I’m a peace of your past.

Wow. That last line there, with the peace/piece thing? Wow.

...eeeeexcept for the fact that it's not really clever at all. The double-meaning goes completely to waste when there isn't one. You can be a "piece" of someone's past, but not a "peace" of it. That doesn't even make sense. It would be like saying to someone, "You were a real excitability of mine in sixth grade." That's not even a thing.

Also, rhyming "passed" with "past" is pretty much cheating as well.

If I were Charlie Sheen's poetry instructor, I think I would tell him to ask himself whether his rhyme scheme was enhancing his poetry or tying him up. Because one minute we're in class, then we're out at sea or something...I just get the sense that this poem is ready to cover an awful lot of physical distance to make a rhyme happen. And just like it is in love, long-distance relationships weaken rhymes as well.

Jewel:

Upon Moving Into My Van

Joy, Pure Joy, I am
What I always wanted
to grow up and be
Things are becoming
more of a dream with
each waking day
The heavy brows of Daily Life
are becoming encrusted
with glitter and the shaking finger
of consequence is
beginning to giggle
Grumpy old men
have wings
Burns sport Halos
and everyday dullness
has begun to breathe
as I remember the
incredible lightness
of living

It looks like the answer, folks, is moving into a van. If only she had stayed there.
At least she's a (sort of a) songwriter, so she has some idea about words and what they do. But I'm not sure whether brows being encrusted with glitter is a good thing or not. And how a shaking finger giggles is not really clear either. And what a Matthau/Lemon flick has to do with all this is a complete boggle as far as I'm concerned.
As her instructor? I think all I could say is, Who are you trying to convince, Jewel?